Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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