o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
