That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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