so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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