You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
