I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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