i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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