I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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