I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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