Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
