Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
