Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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