This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
