dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
