Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
