A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's shark week go big or go home
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
