I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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