Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
