we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
