Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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