God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
