If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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