i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
