Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
