too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
