There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
