i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
