You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
