We're like a lot better than the average bears
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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