theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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