If that was your dad, he is hot
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
