Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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