for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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