so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
