Pants 0. Shit 1.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
