i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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