I accidentally burped into my bong.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
