my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
