oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
