My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
