i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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