Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
