Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
