Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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