I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
