your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
