Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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