Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
