This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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