I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
