Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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